Are You Leading or Are They Leading You?

Earlier this week I had a discussion late into the evening with Allan Holender, author of Zentrepreneurism. Though I have some rather significant worldview differences with Allan’s proposed ideas, I greatly enjoyed our discussion and look forward to future conversations with him.

A comment from Allan that caught my attention was a quote from Jim Rohn: “You become the average of the five people you hang out with the most, so choose them carefully.” This is similar to the wisdom of Solomon: “He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.” (Proverbs 13:20).

I’ve heard this referred to as the Law of Association and find it intriguing, both personally and professionally.

Perhaps you’ve learned what took me longer to grasp in my early management experience than it should have: the importance of surrounding yourself wisely. Surround yourself with Yes men and you’ll find a group of people who willingly go over the cliff with you professionally. Surround yourself with people who can respectfully but firmly dissent or provide constructive criticism and you have gained a priceless gift (while avoiding more pain than you might realize).

In our leadership and project management workshops we talk about personality styles and the power of having diverse styles on teams. The varying approaches to detecting issues, solving problems, and looking at the world can keep us sharp and stretch us beyond the comfy chair of status quo.

Yet you become the average of the five people you hang with the most. In my willingness to appreciate and interact with people who can think quite differently from me, I must also stay aware of who is doing the leading and following.

Pre-adult years are so critical: hang with the wrong people and they take you down a bad path (as in “Bad character corrupts good company” in 1 Corinthians 15:33). Yet whether a teenager or a well seasoned professional, if you only hang out with like-minded people, your thinking can be complacent and too black-and-white.

How can this dilemma be resolved?

The path I’m pursuing is to surround myself with an inner core of people who are good examples, willing to speak truth to me, stretch me in a positive way, and keep me accountable. I seek extended time with these people. In this case, I’m being led, in the most positive sense. Hopefully I am able to spur them on in a positive direction as well but in this inner core (or Rohn’s “five”), it’s my desire to make sure it’s a positive influence.

Yet I don’t want to fall prey to the tainted wisdom you would find in, for example, the book The Secret. Author Rhonda Byrne recommends that if you want to avoid, say, being fat, avoid fat people. I understand a friend’s weight standards can influence another’s, and if someone spends extended time with a negative influence, I have no problem with reducing their exposure to that person. But Byrne’s recommendations are at best incomplete and at worst repulsive.

NOTE: For a critical review of The Secret, see my new book: Shining the Light on The Secret).

Rather than avoid those who are different, I want to engage with them. However, as the title of this blog states, it’s important to keep track of who is influencing who. To what degree are you influencing them? In what ways are they influencing you?

I enjoyed my discussion with this Buddhist business author, but there is nothing in the discussion that changed my worldview (not out of closed-mindedness but because the alternative worldview seems sorely lacking).

Aspiring leader, here are my challenges to you:

• Who are some of the best influences in your life? Are you spending enough time with them to spur you on in a positive direction?
• Who are some of the worst influences? Are you spending too much time with them?
• How often are you interacting with people who think differently from you? Hopefully they can expand your thinking but may I also suggest you keep an eye on whether their influence is for the better or the worse?

Surround yourself wisely, with those who influence you personally and professionally in a positive direction, and with those toward whom you can influence in a positive way.